Perils of Unhealthy Psychological Dependence
We all know that humans are naturally social creatures. This means for our own emotional wellbeing, we must connect with others. Problems arise, though, if our reliance and need for others shifts from healthy interdependence -- where there is give and take both ways -- into unhealthy psychological dependence which can lead to emotional distress and damage to important relationships. Understanding these perils, then, is crucial to fostering healthier, more balanced relationships and improved emotional functioning.
What Is Unhealthy Psychological Dependence?
Since we're talking about unhealthy dependence, it's probably helpful to first define it. Unhealthy psychological dependence happens when one person comes to excessively rely on another for emotional stability, self-esteem, decision-making, or even their personal sense of identity. While seeking support from friends and loved ones is natural, an over-reliance on someone else can create a dynamic that is unsustainable and often harmful to both individuals.
Signs of Unhealthy Dependence
So how do you know if you are leaning toward an unhealthy dependence? Consider the following signs:
- Difficulty Making Decisions Alone: You are constantly needing someone else’s approval or guidance before making any decision, no matter how small. You may also feel totally crippled in making any major life decisions without extensive support and if the support is unavailable, you avoid any decision-making at all. Such indecision can lead to mental, emotional, physical, and financial harm.
- Fear of Being Alone: You are experiencing intense anxiety or distress at the thought of separation from the other person. If you feel unable to make any life decisions on your own, then being left to cope without the person on whom you rely can be terrifying, leading to severe anxiety. In children, we call this separation anxiety and in adults, over-dependence. Further, such fears of being alone or abandonment can lead to unhealthy interactions in the relationship, such as letting others take advantage of you or even abuse you physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially, or any combinations of these.
- Loss of Personal Identity: You are feeling as though you have no sense of self outside the relationship. This may be the most destructive aspect of all, as loss of one's identity fosters a host of difficulties such as inhibiting personal growth, developing intense fears or anxiety or other mental disorders, and vulnerability to abuse due to the imbalance of power in the relationship. Dependence, by definition, implies a loss of personal power and autonomy which creates ongoing vulnerabilities.
- Neglecting Other Relationships or Interests: You are prioritizing this one person’s needs or opinions above all else, often to the detriment of your own life and other relationships. Due to dependence on another person, you may tend to "serve" that support person above all other interests due to fear of loss of their support. Again, this greatly increases your vulnerability to abuse, stalls the development of outside interests that would support independence, and limits relationships with others who may play other important roles in your life (friends, colleagues, pastors, etc.) and who can provide observations and feedback on what your are experiencing. One hallmark of abusive relationships is that the person attempts to completely isolate you from others, thereby gaining total control over you.
- Emotional Volatility: You are experiencing extreme emotional highs and lows, depending on the other person’s availability, mood, or behavior. This is especially true if there is an abusive nature to the relationship. Remember that abusive treatment doesn't have to be overt or violent. For example, while physical violence is certainly abusive, so is the chronic neglect of your safety, well being, wants or desires in favor of the other person's interests. This level of dependence on others means you are always having to gate how you speak, act, or feel in service to the other person's needs (again, due to fear of losing the person's support). You may feel like you are constantly "walking on eggshells" around them, doing your best to never cross them or upset them.
Does any of this sound familiar? Whether you are the one with the unhealthy dependence on someone else or another person is over-reliant on you, it is an exhausting and unhealthy cycle for you both.
To learn more about the causes and consequences of unhealthy psychological dependence and how to begin to walk free of it, tune in to our podcast, Perils of Unhealthy Psychological Dependence, this Thursday as we delve deeper into this topic.
